What If...

As I sit here at 1AM on the side of the bathtub, wide awake with a thousand thoughts going through my head, my What If’s start happening…

What if I don’t fall back to sleep?
What if I forgot to do something at work?
What if I forgot to turn off my electric blanket under my desk?
What if my clients don’t believe in me?
What if my business fails?
What if my big dreams fail?

What if…
What if…
What if…
 
I’m thankful that it is those types of what if challenges running through my brain instead of what used to…

What if I said something I don’t remember?
What if I got pulled over driving home?
What if I didn’t remember driving home?
What if I fell and broke something because oh my God that (insert body part here) hurts?
What if I screw up my job because my brain is so foggy?
What if I stop drinking? Will people still like me? Will I still be “funny”?
What if I screw up my marriage?

What if…
What if…
What if…
 
Nowadays, I’m usually fine by morning but this is what happens most nights these days. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, other than not being able to shut off the ol’ brain. Something I am working on with meditation and calming exercises. Transparently, I probably should cut out some of the caffeine and snacks too close to bed too, but I digress.

Implementing a newer tool to me, I’ve started getting out of bed and writing things down to get them out of my head. Otherwise, I feel a bit defeated in the morning because most times while I’ll remember the idea, I won’t remember all of the fun particulars and details that came about with the excitement of said idea.
 
This blog is one of those things that now sometimes happen when I sit and write emails to myself at 1:20 in the morning to make sure I get all out.

I know all about “no screens” once you’re in bed. Some have taken it so far as to not even have their screens in the bedroom. Kudos to them! I wouldn’t be able to get these thoughts out if I didn’t though. I definitely don’t want to turn on a light. I’d for certain, be up the rest of the night.

Getting the thoughts out these days is one of the most important tools I have in my toolbox. It just so happens some of the best ideas come in the dark of night. So…
 
What if I didn’t have my phone next to me to jot down quick notes? I probably would not have remembered so many details. Would that have been a bad thing? Nope. I’m sure something similar would have come pouring out of me in the light of day. Could I turn on a light and put pen to paper? Sure, but then I’d be up the rest of the night.

Do you live in a what if circle? Going round and round about things you have no control over? What do you do to combat that? Do you write out the different scenarios and their possible outcomes? Do you let it fester and drive you a little batty? Do you give it up to a higher power or shove it out into the universe and let it go?

What if’s can be detrimental to you and your mindset.

If you are working on having a better, more positive mindset, the what if conundrum can surely get in its way and possibly derail it all together.

This is why I truly believe having the right tools that work for you in your toolbox (mine is pink, of course), help you work through your what if’s.

Journal. Record. Talk them through with someone you trust. Don’t let them get the best of you. Have you noticed that most of the time the what if’s are far worse than the actual outcome? Be open to the fact that you just may not have control over the situation and trust that whatever the outcome may be is the path you are meant to be on. It may not seem like it at the time, especially if the outcome is the opposite of what you wanted to happen. It most likely will be a challenge to understand at the time. In hindsight we will see why it turned out the way it did. And we will hopefully see some positive circumstances that came of it.

That hindsight may also bring with it, regrets. We all have regrets to some degree. To me they are another form of what if’s. What if I said something different? What if I didn’t drink that night when I said mean things to the kids? What if I would have left the gym earlier, would I have gotten in that accident?

Let’s put a different spin on them. Are you able to look at your regrets in a different way?

What if I said something different? I didn’t, so I sit with what I said, understand where it was coming from, and I apologize to whomever it was that I hurt or offended. I take responsibility for that action.

What if I said mean things to the kids? I have apologized more than one or two times to all three of my bonus kids about my behavior and things that I said. I took ownership. I took accountability. No matter how hard that was for me, it brought them peace of mind to know that it wasn’t them and that I love them no matter what.
 
What if I left the gym earlier? There could have been another accident that may have happened that wouldn’t have turned out as minor. I could be far worse off than I am now.

Practice on your regrets to help you learn how to get through your what if’s of the future. You can’t change the past. You also can’t change what you can’t control in the future.

What if I don’t get the promotion? What if I didn’t work hard enough for it? What if it wasn’t the right time for me yet? What if there’s something I still need to work on? What if it just wasn’t mine to have?

What if no one reads this blog? What if I don’t fall back to sleep?

What if…   
What if…
What if…

What if I just finish this tomorrow because my head is finally calming down and I can fall back to sleep? What if I hate this blog in the morning? (Puts phone away and goes blissfully back to sleep.)

And here I now sit, at 7PM Tuesday evening, finally getting back to this blog. And, I’m reworking a lot of it now that I have the light of day and clarity of mind. What if I don’t do my best work at 1AM…

What If…
What If…
What If…
 
What are your what ifs? Can you find a tool that works for you to sit with them and understand why they’ve hijacked your mind and your precious time? Are you able to take that tool and work through them, to push through the what if to either let it go or reconcile what happened and learn from it to move on?

My what ifs are so completely different even from three months ago let alone a year ago. They are evolving. And while they are evolving, so is my awareness about them and how I can sit with them and then work through them with clarity and gentleness for myself.

They are my new learning tool. They, too, reside in my toolbox.

What If…
What If…
What If…